Friday, November 15, 2013

And the walls come . . .

This post is just for me.  I'm not reviewing any books or curriculum or cool websites.  I'm just typing to type and see if my fingers can express the jumble of thoughts that sometimes run through my head.  I won't be sharing this one via Google+ and I don't care who reads it or who skips it.  It is what it is.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Just the rambling thoughts of a 45-year-old wife and mama, and hopefully, friend.

This isn't one of those posts that will go viral or tons of people will stop by to see.  There are no fancy words of wisdom and no clever ideas on society.  I guess today I am a seeker.  A seeker of HOPE and a seeker of JOY.

I'm searching for authenticity and trying to maintain the balance between that and real life.

I'm a failure with a DADDY who loves me and I'm searching to remember just that.

I'm not who I thought I would be.  I'll never be the first woman President (although I sure did plan to be).  I find that that's okay -- yet I still search for who I'm supposed to be.  GOD showed me a few years back a glimpse into HIS PLAN and I'm waiting for it to be revealed to the others who it affects.

My house is not clean.  Heck, most days it isn't even neat.  My children are miracles and I love them, but they still roll their eyes when I assign a task.  It sometimes takes hours for the litter box to be scooped or the dogs to be fed.  There is a constant reply of "just a minute" that lasts way longer than a minute.  I think that that is partly normal, but sometimes I wonder.  I search to see if I missed something when I was teaching immediate obedience and the joys therein.

I give advice that is ignored.  I make requests that go unanswered.  The desires of my heart are often left alone.  But I also know that the heart is deceptive above all things.  And so, I wait.

I cry tears that no one knows -- but I laugh at things no one understands.  I am inspired by two blogs that turn my world upside-down.  Two women who are real and who are encouraging and who I consider my friends . . . although I've never met them in real life -- and probably never will.

Those that I love most often choose me last.  And I am reminded that I make that exact same choice and do that exact same thing to my JESUS.  HE loves me anyway.

I mess up on an hourly basis -- and still I know that I am HIS and HE is mine.  Is my relationship with GOD all that it should be?  Do I throw myself before the GRACE of HIS throne near enough?  No and No . . . but I know that there are many times when the HOLY SPIRIT groans on my behalf; when the words just don't come, but my heart is heard.

I search.
I wait.
I listen.
I pray.
I sulk.
I pace.
I dance.
I pray.

I think my life has been crazy and when I think about all of the things that I've run into (or that have run into me) over the course of my lifetime, it seems as though satan has really had it out for me.  The good news is he doesn't win.  I know how the story ends.

The morning of our first flood I put the Noah's Ark flag out to remind me that GOD's PROMISE is bigger than the circumstances of my life.  I still have that flag and I still cling to that promise.  I search for HOPE and know that even when I do not see it, it is there . . . because HE is there no matter what.  HE never fails.  HE never leaves me nor forsakes me.  HE loves the broken, searching me and HE will bind my pieces together if I let HIM.  I want to let HIM.  Oh, how I want to let HIM.

This world is not my home, but I forget that on a daily basis.  I need to remember to seek and to find.  Draw me a little closer, DADDY.  Hold me tight.
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